💩 Co-parenting with a narcissist
Realistically you *can’t* co-parent with a toxic ex… but maybe it’s okay for us to admit that and adjust our approach accordingly.
My sister got divorced a few years ago, and her kids are now just getting old enough to call shit out when they see it… like her teen dubbing their group text “former full family.” Her dad didn’t like that much and changed it back to just their names. In retaliation, she immediately renamed it: “rule one of divorce club is to not talk about divorce club.”
First of all, friggin hilarious. 🤣
Secondly, it is okay to name the thing what it is — in this case, my niece calling out the fact that her parents are, in fact, divorced. Which in turn gives voice to her own grief over that divorce.
Or in the case of a narcissist (which my sister’s ex also happens to be): it is okay to name the fact that they are high conflict.
Because BOY OH BOY will you get a ton of different search results if you’re looking for “co-parenting” vs. “high conflict co-parenting.” A phrase that’s actually kinda misleading because you really can’t co-parent with a high conflict ex.
But damned if our partners don't continually think they can. Like someday the ex is going to come around and suddenly become reasonable. Like someday this brief phase of the ex being difficult will all be behind them and they'll co-parent like champs!
I remember the first time I brought up (very hesitantly, because we'd only been going out like 6 months and I didn’t want to overstep) some concerns I had about Dan’s ex calling all the shots whenever it came to their kid. Dan kind of chuckled dismissively and reassured me that oh no no no, I was totally misreading the situation. He and HCBM were friends who really cared about what was best for each other and truly wanted each other to be happy!
“I mean, sure, sometimes she’s a little selfish with SD’s time,” he acknowledged, “but she really does support my relationship with SD.” Then he gently suggested that perhaps I was projecting based on my personal experiences with my own difficult ex.
Sure. Sure, that's it, Dan. It's definitely not the fact that 90% of the time you call your kid for a quick 5-minute goodnight chat before bed, you somehow get sucked into a 40-minute phone call where HCBM just screams at you the whole time.
You're right. I'm clearly projecting. There is no problem. Everything is fine.
Only after literal years of horrific encounters with HCBM and a whole lot of litigation hurled in his direction could Dan finally admit that his ex was indeed high-conflict, and he was likely co-parenting with a toxic narcissist.
(And no, I did not say “I told you so, buddy.” But I did consider it.)
Co-parenting in a toxic cycle.
Let me know if this cycle sounds familiar: The ex makes a unilateral co-parenting decision >> that decision interferes with your parenting time or otherwise conflicts with your morals, ethics, and values >> they know this and move ahead anyway >> you decide enough is enough and say you're not going along with it >> then THEY accuse YOU of putting the ki…
I know I’m not the only one whose partner was in absolute denial that their ex was manipulative, difficult, and/or controlling.
I also know I'm not the only one who didn't quite connect the dots on my current partner having been in an abusive marriage for over a decade… soooo maybe he might need some outside help to process and heal from all of that. Maybe this wasn't a boundaries problem or a Dan-is-too-nice-for-his-own-good problem; maybe this was a PTSD problem.
If our partners were in toxic relationships before we met them, then unless they've done some committed work on themselves in the meantime, they are still in recovery from those toxic relationships and the damage that they caused.
And that’s another family-blending challenge we should name and bring out into the open.
019 | High conflict + trauma + our partners' PTSD
In this episode, Dan & I talk about the impact (aka PTSD) his high conflict ex had on our relationship and our family — trauma that we totally didn’t recognize as such at the time.
Whether we’re acknowledging the ex as high-conflict, recognizing our partners’ response to their ex as abuse recovery, or realizing that divorce grief might be driving our stepkids’ behavior, naming the things gives us power over the things. Gives us the correct words and phrases we need to use when we’re out there frantically searching for help.
Stepfamilies in high conflict situations need different strategies and resources than other blended families. Most of the typical co-parenting advice out there does not apply when the ex is a nightmare. And stepparents in high conflict need extra support, too — which is why we’re here. Because holy cow this is NOT what you signed up for!!
And that’s one more thing it’s okay to name out loud.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.
