🛠️ You can’t blend in high conflict without the right tools
Having a high conflict ex in the mix creates a toxic dynamic that changes all the rules about stepparenting.
I am a sucker for playing Two Dots. Lately though I’ve noticed an irritating new trend where I’ll have maybe a dozen moves left and suddenly the game stops giving me the goodies I need to beat the level. Say I’ve collected 6 anchors but need 10… I’ll go 3 or 4 moves with no more anchors arriving on the board.
Umm what the heck, Two Dots?? Kinda impossible to win the dang thing when they’re not giving me what I actually need to win. Which makes this my first stepparenting metaphor of 2025.
You can’t win at stepparenting unless you’ve got the right resources.
This goes double or maybe triple when there’s high conflict in the mix. Because as little advice as there is out there for struggling stepparents in general, there’s even less for stepparents living in the fallout zone of a toxic ex’s manipulative antics.
When we don’t know what counts as “normal” in a blended family (hello, we’ve never done this before!) we don’t always realize just how much a dysfunctional ex can impact our ability to blend.
We might not connect our stepkids' frustrating behavior with the childhood trauma they’re living through right now in real time. We blame ourselves for not trying hard enough… but maybe it’s not us at all. Maybe our stepkids are so damaged by childhood abuse that they can’t relate to anyone in an emotionally normative way and we need to adjust our approach with them. Our stepkids might need far more support than we alone can give them.
And if our stepkids’ other parent is a nightmare, chances are pretty good our partners weren’t in the healthiest relationship with that person either. So our partners might be experiencing PTSD after an abusive situation, or stuck in trauma numbness following whatever hell their ex put them through. Like our stepkids, our partners too might need counseling, healing, and a different approach.
We also don’t realize we can develop PTSD as stepparents ourselves if the conflict between houses gets bad enough and we’re caught in the crossfire. More than anything else, we need the right knowledge and tools to defend and protect our own mental health.
I’m speaking here from personal experience; this is all information Dan & I had to learn the hard way. Which is why we’ve put sooo much time and energy into creating the resources that we wish would’ve existed when we were stuck in the thick of our own battle with Dan’s high conflict ex.
Turns out your best defense against an ex who’s hell-bent on destroying you is to learn as much as you can about all this godawful shit. So here’s a stack to get you started:
Plus some more stuff we’ve got planned for 2025:
How to create realistic boundaries with a high-conflict ex
A quick-start guide to parallel parenting
Some simple copy-and-paste scripts you can use when replying to inflammatory emails and/or text messages
And more of course, but that’s a solid start. Anything else you’d like to see? Hit reply or leave a comment! We’d love to help if we can.
Most of all, please know that you’re not alone. It’s not you; it’s the situation. And while we can’t magically turn a shitty ex into a normal human (wouldn’t that be amazing though!), we can for sure share every single tip and trick we’ve learned ourselves along the way to help shorten your learning curve as much as possible.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.