🚩 Blended family red flags
4 potentially deal-breaking stepfamily probs + the green flags that indicate healthy stepcouple dynamics
The biggest challenge in spotting red flags within your blended family is that none of us really know what counts as “normal” for stepfamily life. When there’s a steep learning curve in every direction, it’s practically impossible to see the big picture. So red flag issues kinda get lumped in among all the other stuff you’re trying to sort out — they don’t necessarily seem more significant or serious. Just one more messy thing tossed on the pile.
At least, that’s how it went down for me & Dan. I was so overwhelmed by trying to navigate this new blended family life that I missed just about every red flag — warning signs that, in hindsight, were painfully, embarrassingly clear. 🤦🏻♀️
What counts as a red flag in a blended family?
Let’s start by getting clear on what counts as a red flag. Many so-called “red flags” you’ll read about online are actually normal in stepfamilies — they’re challenges, sure, but not necessarily deal-breaking problems.
Jealousy within a blended family, for example, is so typical that you’d be hard-pressed to find a stepfamily without some jealousy issues. Similarly, just about every stepfamily is gonna experience stepparent-stepkid friction to a greater or lesser degree.
This is why it’s so critical to educate yourself — and for your partner to educate themselves, too — about stepfamily stages of development in general:
Because something as simple as a stepkid not liking a stepparent is not a red flag in and of itself. The actual red flag is if your partner sees your stepkid being a jerk to you and doesn’t see a problem with that. 😱 (Oh and if that’s you, go ahead and skip down to Red Flag #4)
So what are the red flags then? Here’s the ones for me & Dan that, when I look back, were the biggest warning signs that we were headed in a not-great direction:
🚩 Red flag #1: Your partner refuses to communicate
To me, a refusal to communicate is the biggest red flag for your stepfamily being able to blend (or not).
I am genuinely staggered by how many stepparents who’ve told me their partner won’t talk about relationship stuff, stepkid stuff, or parenting stuff — and they certainly won’t consider couples counseling or individual therapy. How the hell do they expect anything to improve?!
Look, blending a family is complicated. Communication is required. That’s true of any relationship of course, but becomes absolutely critical within a stepfamily because the complexities are so much greater.
Your partner refusing to discuss blended family issues is as nonsensical as a project manager refusing to discuss the big picture plan with their team.
This project is not gonna manage itself; stepfamily problems that arise will not solve themselves. The only way to move forward together is… well, to move forward together. Which requires communication.
🚩 Red flag #2: Your stepkids aren’t getting parented effectively
Good parenting can be one of the first casualties when parents split up. It’s common to see a lot of overly permissive, guilt-based coddling post-divorce rather than actual parenting. Although weirdly, overly strict parenting can suddenly pop up post-divorce too.
Other parenting red flags include treating kids like an equal or trusting them with decisions that would be more appropriately made by the adults — such as letting kiddos pick their own custody schedule, or weigh in on their parent’s love life.
There are many reasons why your stepkids might not be receiving appropriate parenting, none of which are good… even if they’re somewhat understandable, like the guilt-based parenting thing. No one wants to feel like they’re coming down on their kids when you only see them every other week, and stepparents can understand that… to some extent.
At the same time, kids are benefitted by rules and structure; predictability lets them know exactly what they can expect in your home. So parenting them is a positive thing.
Consistency is one of the best gifts we can give our kids amid all the chaos and uncertainty that defines the life of kids traveling between two homes. That doesn’t necessarily mean parenting needs to be exactly the same between homes — even just ensuring consistency within your own home can be really helpful and stabilizing for your stepkids.
Aside from the parenting benefits to the kids themselves, a lack of parenting can lead to a messed-up dynamic within your stepfamily. If your stepkids are not currently receiving appropriate guidance, structure, and boundaries, most stepparents with a conscience will believe it’s their job to step up and fill that void. (Someone’s got to, right??) Unfortunately, a stepparent taking on a parenting role can lead to resentment from your stepkid, especially if your partner isn’t backing you up in that role.
In other words, a stepkid who’s not being parented appropriately is a red flag warning us about 1) the potential for a lot more arguments between you and your partner, and/or between your partner and their ex, plus 2) a bunch more emotional labor for the stepparent.
🚩 Red flag #3: The ex is a big problem
Whether your partner’s ex is an absolute nightmare or they’re on such good terms that you wonder why they split up at all, it’s a major red flag if you and your partner are constantly at odds over the ex.
Not only does this give the ex wayyy too much of a presence in your day-to-day life, it’s also a potential red flag that your partner might not be fully psychologically separated from that person.
Your blended family cannot fully move forward while your partner continues prioritizing their first (now defunct) family over the future the two of you are supposed to be building together.
The true red flag here isn’t even the ex or their behavior, but rather how your partner deals with them. Does your partner let the ex call all the shots or refuse to acknowledge that their behavior is problematic? Is your partner more concerned with keeping their ex happy rather than you, their current life partner?
Depending on the answers to these questions, your partner may have unresolved trauma from the previous relationship that can directly and negatively impact your ability to blend.
🚩 Red flag #4: Your relationship takes last place.
Becoming a stepparent does not negate the needs and feelings we have as individuals. And yet, so many partners seem to think we shouldn’t have those needs or feelings… or at least that we should be perfectly content putting those needs/feelings dead last, apparently forever. This is not only a big ol’ red flag, it’s completely unsustainable.
Relationships need time and attention. Yes, the kids are important — but so are you, and so is your romantic relationship, and so is this future you’re trying to create together. You can’t build a life (or a blended family) out of leftovers.
A partner who continues bending over backwards to make their kids and/or their ex happy while continually sliding you to the back burner is a partner who’s making choices that are aligned with the former family rather than your new stepfamily.
Over time, I stopped believing Dan’s promises and reassurances that he’d “handle” this or that with his ex or his kid (he never followed through) or that the next time would be different (it wasn’t). Worse, I lost so much respect for him — and respect is essential for a healthy relationship.
With Dan, this behavior arose out of wanting to keep everyone happy. Except in this case “everyone” seemed to only mean his kid and his ex; he quite literally could not say no to either one of them. Which effectively painted our relationship into a corner, like our love was only allowed to exist as long as its existence didn’t upset the status quo. Again: this is totally unsustainable.
Your relationship is the foundation of your blended family and can’t be treated like an afterthought if it’s going to survive. Understanding this is so important I have an entire blog post on it: ➡️ WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILY 👀
Part of prioritizing your relationship includes making sure your partner backs you up as a stepparent. At the bare minimum, your partner should insist your stepkids show you the same level of respect they’re expected to show any other adult in their lives.
If your partner lets your stepkids treat you like shit, that’s a massive red flag. Especially if your partner simultaneously expects you to perform a parent-like role.
What do healthy stepcouple dynamics look like?
Okay, so now that we’ve got a solid list of red flags, let’s talk about the opposite: what’s a green flag in your blended family? What do healthy stepcouple and positive stepfamily dynamics look like?
Here are some signs you and your partner are on the right track:
Mutual love and respect
Willingness to forgive each other’s mistakes
Adaptability, flexibility, and openness to change
Shared commitment to a future together
Shared laughter (bonus points if you’re able to laugh at the hard shit too)
There’s a lot of other stuff I could list here, but those are the biggies. And maybe I’m just a romantic at heart, but I really do believe that kind of love can conquer all… as long as everyone’s willing to also work their asses off. So if you went through this red flag list like ohhhh shit I recognize way too many of these 😬😬😬 — please don’t lose heart. Dan & I had every one of these red flags and then some, yet we managed to survive.
Red flags aren’t a death sentence for your blended family. Just something to pay closer attention to, and to be aware where you might have extra work to do as a couple and a stepfamily.
There are good things in your relationship and stepfamily too, or you wouldn’t stay. We typically ignore red flags at first because we’re not yet emotionally invested enough — or aren’t sure if we want to be. Plus the red flags don’t happen all at once. Nor are they as obviously red as we wish they were.
Once we start feeling more committed to our blended family, that’s when we realize we need to dig in and do a bunch of work before those red flags become dealbreakers. Because at the end of the day, we know we’re in love with an amazing person — so amazing that we’re willing to work harder and put up with more nonsense than usual just to spend our lives with them.
If that’s you and you could use a little help course-correcting, please go through this guide Dan & I put together to help stepcouples tackle some of these tough conversations as well as offer reassurance about what’s normal. Plus we share tips on how to overcome common challenges that come up along the way. We really hope it helps! xo
How to Actually Blend: The Missing Instruction Manual for Stepcouples
“This has been the only way that I could get my significant other to understand how I felt and that it wasn’t just me or me being selfish. Thank you. 🙏🏼”
Said by a dad who has made these mistakes.
Question: what are the differences in appropriate behavior (all ways) when the kids are 20-somethings?
This is scarily familiar