The 3 phases (& 7 stages) of blending your family
Because the more you know how messy blending looks IRL, the less freaked you’ll feel that you’re doing it wrong.
For most stepfamilies, the process of becoming blended is not an easy one. At the very least, the experience of blending a family is typically much different from what any of us expected — parent, stepparent, and stepkid alike.
It’s like we expected an awesome road trip, zooming down the freeway toward our happy ending at top speed blasting great music along the way. And instead we find ourselves on a long detour through shady back roads filled with speed bumps and potholes and droning talk radio. Ew! That’s not what we signed up for!!
It’s easy to think maybe we’re to blame — we must’ve made a wrong turn somewhere. It’s also easy to fall into the comparison trap, believing that other blended families aren’t dealing with these issues, only us.
I promise, it’s not just you.
Dr Patricia Papernow, recognized as one of the world’s foremost experts in stepfamily dynamics, breaks the process of blending a family down into 7 stages, organized into 3 separate phases:
The Early Phase: This is the part where we're all optimists and don't realize how much work we're gonna have to put in to feel blended. And it's also the phase where stepparents are like "Hmm something doesn't seem quite right..." and our partners are like "Whaaat?! But everything seems FINE." 🙃
The Middle Phase: This is when both partners begin working together and making the changes and compromise that need to happen to feel blended.
The Later Phase: Successful stepcouples learn to position their relationship as the nucleus of their blended family. From this foundation, you're able to connect with other family members from a more authentic place. In other words, congrats, you're blended!
In our own stepfamily, these stages were exactly on point — even with the added plot twist of dealing with a high conflict ex, a chaotic factor that so often turns blended family dynamics upside down and inside out. (For more help with this, skip ahead to the part where I talk about how high conflict affects the blending process.)
Keeping in mind that each member of your stepfam is likely traveling through the stages of blending at their own individual pace, so identifying who’s at which stage (and when) can be super helpful in understanding the best way to move forward… hopefully with less friction and stress. 🤞🏼
The Early Phase of Blended Family Development
STAGE 1: FANTASY
Not surprisingly, most of us start our blended family adventures full of unrealistic expectations. At this stage of blending your family, there’s a lot of ignoring problems and hoping they’ll go away.
It’s not uncommon for stepkids to quite literally ignore a new stepparent, hoping this is a short-term situation and they can soon return to life as they knew it. Alternatively, stepparent and stepkid might be total besties at this stage. Everything’s great! We’re having such a terrific time together!!
During our own fantasy stage of blending, Dan & I were certainly guilty of this. Our relationship looked so great on paper — we each had one kid, and they were even the same age. Could we be more perfect together?! Except… then nothing went the way we thought it was gonna go.
There’s a lot more going on in blending a family than meets the eye, and we have no understanding of this in the early phases of blended family development. We lack the knowledge and experience to see all the different nuances happening right under our noses.
Nor do we realize how much work it’s going to take for us to feel truly blended and function as team. If we think about our future at all (which we probably don’t, except to put our rose-colored glasses on and expect everything will work out just swimmingly), we skip right to the happy ending.
STAGE 2: IMMERSION
If Stage 1 is the optimistic equivalent of leaping two steps forward, then I’d call Stage 2 the “taking one step back” stage.
Cracks begin to appear in the fantasy. Reality starts sinking in a bit as differences begin emerging: personality differences as well as differences in the expectations we all have for how this whole blending-a-family thing is gonna look.
The realities of blended family life are coming into focus for the stepparent… yet at this stage, we stepparents are likely to blame ourselves. Including blaming ourselves for stepparenting “wrong” or overreacting. (”Maybe there are no red flags and I’m just imagining them?”)
My response to the immersion stage of blended family development was to double down on my efforts to win my stepkid over. I tried bringing up my concerns to Dan, but from where he stood — firmly entrenched in Stage 1 — he didn’t see anything wrong. Which then made me believe even more that whatever issues I saw were all in my head.
I also struggled a lot with many intense and negative emotions, which Dr. Papernow says is common in this stage. If you can relate, you might want to read this guide:
STAGE 3: AWARENESS
By the third stage of blended family development, all those unmet needs and repressed feelings of Stage 1 and Stage 2 are now bubbling up like crazy.
The question is no longer whether anything is wrong (this family is definitely not blending like you thought it would) but rather, how on earth are we gonna fix this?
The fantasy and optimism have faded and you’ve realized the dynamics you’re in right now are not sustainable. And yet, you’re not really sure how to move forward either. This is further complicated by the fact that your partner probably hasn’t reached the awareness stage themselves.
For us, Dan was still cheerfully (exasperatingly!) hanging out in Stage 1 while I was going to the library and checking out books on stepparenting and blended families and learning that it wasn’t all me and I wasn’t crazy.
Soooo how the heck are you supposed to talk about serious, foundational issues in your relationship when your partner won’t even acknowledge they exist?? That, my friend, is the crux of Stage 3. And is also the reason Dan & I put this guide together:
The Middle Phase of Blended Family Development
STAGE 4: MOBILIZATION
Dan often says that knowing there’s a problem and doing something about the problem are two different things. Stage 4 of blended family development is the latter.
In this stage, family members start trying to work shit out. You’re all airing grievances, having tough conversations, and hopefully working together to find solutions.
You may be asking yourself hard questions during this phase — like are the other people in my stepfamily going to be able to make the necessary changes and compromises that we need to make to move forward? Am I going to be able to make the changes and compromises that I need to make?
This was the most difficult stage of blending our own family, as well as probably the longest. Or maybe it just felt longer than the other stages because I was reallllly burned out.
By the time Dan was ready to 1) acknowledge and 2) address the major challenges affecting us as a couple and us as a stepfamily, we were not in a good place. In fact I think it’s safe to say I was completely at the end of my rope.
I felt like Dan & I fit together as a couple but the external circumstances of the kids plus Dan’s ongoing issues with his difficult ex put a lot of weight on our relationship and I could no longer see any way to fix that. Dan coming in with fresh energy and motivation to get our future back on track was exactly what I needed to give me a second wind. (More like the millionth wind by that point.)
STAGE 5: ACTION
Stage 5 of blended family development is where the rubber meets the road. The only way forward is through, and you’re ready and able to charge ahead — even if that means upsetting the status quo along the way.
Stage 5 is defined by a willingness to create new boundaries and create more adaptive structures within your blended family that reflect the reality of stepfamily dynamics. Family members are more open to compromising, and you can see encouraging changes starting to happen, even if they’re only baby steps.
At this stage, we stop blaming “stepfamily dynamics” for everything and begin accepting that a blended family, like any other type of family, has highs and lows that aren’t necessarily related to being a stepfamily.
For example, in the earlier stages of blending your family, your 12yo stepkid going straight to their room after school and sulking in there for hours might be an immediate trigger like “Oh my god, my stepkid hates me.” But the same event happening in Stage 5 feels less like a make or break moment — you’re more likely to shrug and say “Tweens gonna tween” instead of taking it personally.
Which makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Dr. Papernow tells us it takes 4 to 7 years to blend a family, which is about a year per stage give or take. So at this point, you’ve spent roughly four-ish years fixating on stepfamily problems. Everything has felt like it kept coming back to figuring out these new dynamics and your role as a stepparent. And it isn’t until Stage 5, when we’ve spent years working through this stuff, that we’re finally able to see it’s not always a stepfamily issue.
🙄 Just stepkid things
The Later Phase of Blended Family Development
STAGE 6: CONTACT
Now that you’ve done all the heavy lifting from Stage 5, clarity emerges as a result of those structural changes.
Maybe you’ve realized that your partner, the primary parent, needs to take a more active role in parenting their kid while you, the stepparent, take a step back from parenting your stepkid. While the way you contribute to your stepfamily might be very different than you initially envisioned way back in Stage 1, you’re feeling more confident that you can contribute and that those contributions matter.
Stage 6 is sort of a clean slate, do-over stage, almost like you’re starting fresh — now that you’re clear on your role, you have a basis in place for establishing a deeper and more positive relationship with your stepkids.
Although by now you’ve also got several years of baggage behind you, so you might find a lot of air-clearing, honest conversations, and forgiveness occurring in this stage. All of that ultimately lets you connect from a more authentic place though, which can only be a good thing.
By now, you and your partner have recognized that your stepcouple relationship needs to be positioned as the nucleus of the stepfamily. This has been true all along but it’s taken years to realize it: without you as a couple, there is no blended family.
This is such a critical concept to understand that I have an entire blog post on our main site about prioritizing the stepcouple relationship: ➡️ WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILY 👀
STAGE 7: RESOLUTION (AKA “BLENDED”)
Whew, FINALLY! We’ve reached Dan’s favorite stage of blended family development: what he calls honeymoon for life, aka the resolution stage, aka feeling pretty much like a family.
Your foundation is now in place, and those used-to-be mountains that felt unsurmountable are now normal-sized molehills. At the final stage of blending your family, you’re establishing your own unique family traditions, memories, and history. You’re solidifying as a unit — and simultaneously are more accepting of any stepfamily members who aren’t at Stage 7 yet. There’s more willingness to say “That’s okay, they’re just not there yet.” You’ve become more flexible, adaptable, and understanding.
This doesn’t mean you won’t face any challenges anymore of course, and sometimes those challenges will still be big and scary. But they no longer feel like your entire relationship and/or future of your stepfamily is at stake. Most importantly, you’re able to work through those challenges as a team instead of feeling like you’re the only one who can see the emperor is wearing no clothes.
How high conflict affects the blending process
Although Dr. Papernow doesn’t mention how the presence of high conflict can impact how long it takes your family to blend, it makes sense that a bunch of extra drama will slow the stages of blended family development down somewhat. So while blending a family takes 4 to 7 years under typical circumstances, most experts will add “… or 10+ years if there’s high conflict.”
This was certainly our experience. High conflict stepfamily life can bring with it a bunch of complications like loyalty binds and court battles that slow down our willingness and our ability to blend.
However, with time and emotional distance, I’ve come to realize another risk factor of blending in high conflict: that the conflict itself distracts us from the underlying foundational work that needs to happen as individuals, as a couple, and as a family to move forward. Instead, we just keep blaming the ex for everything.
I’m not saying that Dan’s high conflict ex wasn’t a contributing factor to our frustration in feeling decidedly unblended — she for sure was. But I kept thinking she was the main problem, the biggest problem… and she really wasn’t.
We had a lot of internal work that needed to happen within our stepfam, too. But we couldn’t see it because our drama with Dan’s ex was so all-encompassing — so big and noisy and obvious and easy to point our fingers at.
As a result, we spent our early stages of blended family development very ineffectually. For example, Dan would spend hours trying to craft the perfect email response to her latest accusations, when instead we could’ve spent that time together as a family. Rather than wasting time and energy anticipating where the ex’s next attack might be coming from, we should’ve been having fun and creating new memories together.
Even my stepdaughter rejecting me, which I fully blamed Dan’s ex for, was not entirely HCBM’s fault. But my anger haze toward his ex kept me from seeing the rational, legitimate reasons my stepkid rejected me. I kept thinking there was nothing I could do, that I was powerless against the hold HCBM1 had over SD. But I wasn’t.
At any time, I could’ve made different overtures toward my SD that might’ve gotten through to her. I didn’t bother though; instead I made HCBM into an all-powerful villain who’d undermine whatever I tried. Or so I told myself. The reality was, my relationship with SD reached a point where frankly it was easier for me to stop trying. And blaming HCBM became a convenient scapegoat for me to hide behind.
These are exactly the types of underlying issues we should be addressing within our stepfamilies, but that high conflict can mask far too easily.
Why every parent & stepparent should know the stages of blended family development
Listing out all these stages of blended family development makes the process of blending seem so straightforward… but you & I both know that living through these stages is another beast entirely. Knowledge really is power though, so even if you only have a vague idea of what to expect, you’ll be better positioned to face this blending thing head on.
Just as importantly, you’ll have a greater understanding of what what the other members of your stepfam might be going through. Like… maybe your stepkids aren’t against blending per se, but rather they’re just at a different stage of blended family development than you are.
Knowing what’s “normal” while blending your family can be really reassuring. Being able to identify the stage of blending you’re in — or which stage your partner or your stepkid is in — offers an objective insight into their headspace. Plus it helps to know that these stages are finite and you can move past them; eventually you’ll come out the other side, older and oh so much wiser.
Having a better understanding of the stages your blended family is going through also helps remove the blame factor. Going in circles about who’s at fault for our failure to blend isn’t helpful; the truth is, all family members will need to change and adapt if we want to move forward. And sharing in that goal together removes the pressure on any one person to make your blended family work.
This is another aspect of blended family development that’s important for us and our kids to know: this is a process, these stages are normal, and having mixed feelings is also normal. Getting used to a stepfamily will take time and require compromise. From everyone.
The #1 most important factor in your family being able to blend
Something I find fascinating about Dr. Papernow’s stages of blended family development is that she doesn’t mention flexibility until about halfway through.
We start out in fantasy land, invested in making sure our stepfamily fits into a preordained family-shaped box. Oh it doesn’t fit? Okay, I’ll just shove a little harder. It’s not until years into the blending process that we realize oh wait, that’s… not how blending a family works.
Giving each stepfamily member plenty of breathing space and processing time and permission to feel their mixed feelings goes a hell of a lot further than imposing unrealistic expectations on everyone. Flexibility is so essential that I’d call that the number one factor in your stepfamily’s ability to blend.
I really wish Dan & I had started thinking outside the box earlier. By nature, we’re both pretty fun-loving people, so if we’d known that getting creative was the best way to blend our family, we would’ve gotten to “blended” so much faster. But spending a bunch of time on regrets is completely unproductive.
Which brings me to my last point: the need to be kind to ourselves.
We do the best we can in any given moment based on our knowledge at that time. And sometimes that means we get it wrong. You will 100% mess up at some point as you try to blend your family… but so will every stepparent and stepfamily on the planet.
So I really encourage you not to dwell on any mistakes you’ve made (or are currently making) along the way — having learned from that experience, you’ll make different choices in the future.
Just keep showing up, keep educating yourself on stepfamily dynamics, keep taking those deep breaths and exercising your patience and flexibility muscles. You’ll get there. It might take 4 to 7 years (or 10… or more 😱), but eventually you will find light at the end of the blended family tunnel.
HCBM = high conflict bio mom. See our acronym guide for more help with the shorthand we use around here. xo