➡️ The #1 thing that would've helped me the most as a new stepmom
Knowing what counts as “normal” in a stepfamily would’ve made a HUGE difference in how I approached becoming a stepmom.
I was completely unprepared for how hard becoming a stepmom would be.
I started looking for stepparenting resources after Dan and I had been together maybe a couple years or so. I found exactly 2 books at my local library; both were packed to the brim with common sense, unhelpful stuff like "Just show an interest in your stepkids' interests and they'll come around! Most importantly, let them just know you love them!!"
Always the chipper tone! Always with reminders to stay positive! And always skipping over the hard questions. Like… well, what if your stepkids make it super duper clear they don't want you to love them?
And also, can someone please tell me how I'm supposed to always stay positive and unconditionally love my stepkid when she reports every move I make back to her high-conflict mother, who then holds up any mistakes I've made as reasons why my stepkid should spend less time at our house?
When you start asking the hard questions, suddenly there's only crickets where relentless optimism and exclamation points aplenty once stood. And when no one answers those hard questions, you think "Huh, well... I guess I must be the only one dealing with this stuff...?"
Maybe you start believing (like I did) that you must be screwing shit up extra-specially good since you're apparently the only stepparent on the planet having these problems. Maybe you spend years beating yourself up — like I also did — because if that's the case, then you must also be the worst failure of a stepparent who ever stepparented.
Only once I started helping other stepparents and hearing hundreds of stories that sounded exactly like mine did I retroactively figure out that all this was normal.
Conflicted feelings are normal. Stepkids not liking their stepparents is normal. One step forward + two steps back is normal. Conflict between houses is, unfortunately, normal. Oh, and screwing up as a stepparent? Yep, that’s normal too.
All those years, I had no friggin' clue. Because no one talks about these things.
In the decade plus since then, I've done a lot of thinking. If I could go back in time, what's the #1 thing would've helped me the most?
And the answer is hearing real stories from other stepparents.
I mean yes of course it would’ve been great to have in-depth resources that did answer those hard questions, and that’s exactly why Dan & I have created all the stuff we have. But research only takes you so far.
What I really needed to know was that I was not crazy, and I was not alone.
In case you need to hear that too, please know that you’re not crazy or alone either.
I am so thankful to have this platform and this community. I was terrified when I started sharing my own stepparenting stories; no one else out there was talking about blended family life the way I was. I think that’s improved over the past several years since I started Blended Family Frappé, but not as much as I personally would like.
So today I’d like to invite you to share your own stepparenting story. Not with the whole world if you don’t want — just with this little corner of the world, where there are struggling stepparents who really need to hear that it’s not just them. It’s all of us.
And all of us helping each other by sharing our stories is what’s gonna get us through.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.