Dan & I host a little Q&A every Wednesday (via private podcast) for paid subscribers, but we didn’t get any questions this week. So I thought I’d throw an open thread up for anyone, free or paid, and then we can just have a chat together down in the comments. 🍿
Today’s prompt: What’s got you most stressed about stepparenting right now?
It really depends on the situation. Is it a problem with the ex being intrusive, or kids not having access to phones when they're not with you? Or a problem with kids being on their phones all the time when those aren't the values at your house?
Any advice for me as SM to connect with SD-2 12,13 when their mom who is covert narcissist, says terrible things about their dad in front of them. Acts fake in front of others, and steals time from my husband and manipulates situation. She makes a lot of money and buys the girls attention, and puts me down because I’m a teacher. Just sneaky and rarely to my face. Any time I try to talk to her she walks away and acts like I’ve been mean. It’s so underhanded in so many ways I can’t even address it. She would just be satisfied that she upset me if I do say anything.
Husband doesn't seem to want to spend much time with his biological son when he's with us. We've got a baby and despite my best efforts it now looks like baby is going to be blamed for this. Last night I've asked husband to go spend time with his bio son. Intentionally said out loud that the baby will be fine, just leave him to play. Hubby came back very shortly saying that the son doesn't actually want anything specific for him to do, he's just on the phone and wants to rest next to his father. I'm very confused because when I ask if hubby wants to hang with his bio son, he says yes, but won't take these clear opportunities up.
I wonder if he doesn’t really know how to play with a kid that age, and so he’s just defaulting to the easy “he wants to play on his device” fix. Maybe they could go shopping for some things they both enjoy doing together, and he can suggest doing A or B.
I sometimes wonder that too, thank you. We used to play board games all together in the evenings but it's a bit tricky with the baby and all the little game items. Wonder what could be an alternative that isn't focused on everyone looking after the baby. The bio son is a teen and is almost assuming parental roles to the baby with endless parenting advice. So I'd prefer that the teen attention is on something else rather than the baby.
When our kids were teens we played a lot of Zelda as a family. Like one person would play and the rest of us would watch like it was a movie. Maybe something like that would be easier to connect. Less direct, more entertainment?
Waiting for the process server to deliver the latest court filing against my husband, Dad of 2 girls ages 12 and 16 who live out of state with their mother. I’m hoping it’s a motion to emancipate them… did I just type that out loud? 😳
HCBM and her new wife (other SM) constantly work to alienate 13yo SD from her father and I all the time. At this point, at insistence of SD, we don't see her on our weekends anymore, and she gets dinner once a week with her dad if we're lucky. When we do see her for an hour or two, moms are constantly texting her so she's not really present, or are undermining us. Father's day example, they spent the day texting to ask if I was "speaking to her". Which I was and we were having fun, but she replies "not really" because it's safer not to let moms know she likes us. She needs support from outside the family, she needs time to have her own voice and spend time with both families - but moms refuse therapy and say she is "fine". "She's happy with us, seems like a you problem." It's infuriating and exhausting and SD is paying the ultimate price of all of us. How do I make peace with the fact that my SD will likely never really be in our lives in a meaningful way and will likely always have an unhealthy codependent relationship with her "moms" and not have much of one with her dad?
This is such an exhausting dynamic. We lived this too. But keep in mind that what you're living through right now is not going to be your relationship forever. Your SD might connect the dots very differently as she gets older.
I agree with Molly about not letting SD choose her own visitation schedule, but I know that's easier said than done when there's alienation. Could you try baby steps when she's with you, like at least asking her to put her phone away? I really encourage you to check out our deeper dive resources on alienation-- this workshop is a good place to start: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/p/parental-alienation-survival-strategies?r=3qbexg
Anyway there's no easy answer. Something that helped me was reminding myself that we didn't need my SD to agree with us that she was part of our family, and also that we didn't need her to be active and present for the rest of us to be a family.
Dad can insist on exercising his parenting time, and stop letting SD make that choice. He’s inadvertently giving the moms the power to manipulate SD, by overempowering SD to make decisions that shouldn’t yet be hers. SD will experience less pressure from the moms, when these decisions aren’t allowed to remain her hands. I know it’s tough, but if there’s a parenting plan / agreement in place, Dad needs to insist that it’s followed. Being flexible is only playing into the moms games. (IME & IMO!)
I don't disagree. But even the therapists agree that taking her to court (because it's what i would take at this point) would be ugly and probably worse for her in the long run. I don't know, but it's hard accepting that I can't control dad anymore than moms....letting go is hard for me.
I totally get it. Letting go is incredibly difficult. But remember too that it's also a process and baby steps count. Even if it's just taking a minute to deliberately turn your thoughts to a different topic when you catch yourself dwelling, all those little efforts add up over time.
PS We learned this lesson the hard way. But when the judge firmly told HCBM “That’s not SD’s decision to make, and you are responsible for giving her these specific consequences if she resists visitation,” magically, SD stopped resisting. And became much less anxious.
YES. It's not good for kids to be in charge of their own visitation schedule. Besides stressing them out, it also worsens any existing loyalty bind and gives them way too much power.
How do you support your partner through the painful emotional rollercoaster of alienation & subsequent reunification therapy, without losing your own ability to function? It often feels so hopeless and sad… and even when things are improving, it feels like you’ve been here before only to have it all go sideways again. (Partner is doing all the right things. It’s just a really tough situation and took years of court battles to get RT started. And the kid is almost 18 now, still deeply enmeshed with their BPD mother, so we feel the clock ticking down.) Appreciate any advice!
Oh man I totally feel this. The short answer is to take a mental step back a bit, similar to how you'd respond emotionally to your partner having work problems or family of origin problems. Basically you need to keep your own feet on solid ground to be able to stop him from drowning. I know that's a gross oversimplification, so here's a whole blog on this: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/blog/stepparent-mental-health-high-conflict
Working so only a few minutes now to post… I would be interested to know the ways you /any step parent showed your step kids you love them in their teens. Background for us: HCBM had convinced SS (almost 14 yrs old) over 5+ years that DH is physically abusive and I SM am a child molester. We think he now knows none of that is true, but he is still compelled to defend his mom no matter what. None-the-less the damage was done from the constant and likely continued false allegations. From the age of 10 to present he will not allow either of us to hug or touch him. He is very introverted and can be shy. We think he knows Mom lies often but he has become weary to believe anyone now. We cook, make favorite meals, clean, do laundry, help with homework, make sure he gets the doctoring he needs, take him places, encourage him to have friends over and go places with friends, take him out to eat, to the movies and fun activities he likes, play cards and board games, attend his practices and games in our timeshare, praise him, encourage and support his dreams, tell him we love him, I give a wide gap for him to spend time with just his Dad, etc. But he is a young teen and we suspect he sees all that as something all his parents are expected to do, while HCBM is always twisting the time and things we do with him to be bad or she does it better. To me a hug or a hand on the shoulder or pat on the back conveys more: safety, I really love ya kid, you belong, we got you. So looking for other ways to convey those very important and special sentiments. Would love to hear everyone’s experiences/ ideas. It’s been breaking my heart for years; and maybe that is how it has to be.
This is so tough and we have dealt with a very similar dynamic. I’ve found it helps to give very specific compliments about what I like about the kids, character or positive behavior focused. In other words, I tell them when I can, that I see the goodness inside them.
“I think it’s super cool how you are so dedicated to your schoolwork.” or
“I really appreciate how you always remember to clean up after yourself and remind your sibling to, too.” or
“It’s great to see how much effort you put into improving at basketball.”
They are used to being fawned over by their mother for stuff they aren’t particularly good at, and criticized for perceived failings, so genuine, realistic compliments on things they can control… tends to really show them we truly care.
This is so heartbreaking. I agree with Molly's advice below, and also want to encourage you that you're doing soooo many things right. Don't discount the impact of everything you're doing right now! With alienation, it's really important to keep the long game in mind. Even if you don't see results right now, all those kind gestures are sinking in and will continue sinking in for years to come. As SS14 gets older, he'll hopefully be able to separate the lies from the reality. We have a PAS workshop that might be helpful also: https://www.blendedfamilyfrappe.com/parental-alienation-workshop
I also wonder if maybe setting up an appointment for you & your SO with a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse could be helpful. Their expertise could give some insight in non-physical ways to connect lovingly with your SS. (I know the abuse didn't actually occur but if he *thinks* it did, then the psychological response is likely going to be similar.)
YES! I try to be open with my husband and make sure he and I are aligned on any "secrets" we plan to have with SD. Even if she doesn't know he's in on it, if and when she does tattle, we make sure we are super aligned. We don't always agree, but it's helped tremendously to make sure we aren't blindsided by each other.
I’ve had a read of your article and the feeling of being spied on does ring true. Your advice seems to be ignore it , keep being myself , which is trying my best to be a good step-mum , and ignore it and try not to react to any repercussions started by “tale telling”. I’ve reached a similar point where I’m happier just being with my bio children when I can relax and not be reported on or judged!
Hi, does anyone have any guidance on navigating phone contact in a blended family situation. Thank you.
It really depends on the situation. Is it a problem with the ex being intrusive, or kids not having access to phones when they're not with you? Or a problem with kids being on their phones all the time when those aren't the values at your house?
Any advice for me as SM to connect with SD-2 12,13 when their mom who is covert narcissist, says terrible things about their dad in front of them. Acts fake in front of others, and steals time from my husband and manipulates situation. She makes a lot of money and buys the girls attention, and puts me down because I’m a teacher. Just sneaky and rarely to my face. Any time I try to talk to her she walks away and acts like I’ve been mean. It’s so underhanded in so many ways I can’t even address it. She would just be satisfied that she upset me if I do say anything.
That's a great question Victoria, and a common problem. We'll answer on next week's Q&A! xo
Husband doesn't seem to want to spend much time with his biological son when he's with us. We've got a baby and despite my best efforts it now looks like baby is going to be blamed for this. Last night I've asked husband to go spend time with his bio son. Intentionally said out loud that the baby will be fine, just leave him to play. Hubby came back very shortly saying that the son doesn't actually want anything specific for him to do, he's just on the phone and wants to rest next to his father. I'm very confused because when I ask if hubby wants to hang with his bio son, he says yes, but won't take these clear opportunities up.
I wonder if he doesn’t really know how to play with a kid that age, and so he’s just defaulting to the easy “he wants to play on his device” fix. Maybe they could go shopping for some things they both enjoy doing together, and he can suggest doing A or B.
I sometimes wonder that too, thank you. We used to play board games all together in the evenings but it's a bit tricky with the baby and all the little game items. Wonder what could be an alternative that isn't focused on everyone looking after the baby. The bio son is a teen and is almost assuming parental roles to the baby with endless parenting advice. So I'd prefer that the teen attention is on something else rather than the baby.
When our kids were teens we played a lot of Zelda as a family. Like one person would play and the rest of us would watch like it was a movie. Maybe something like that would be easier to connect. Less direct, more entertainment?
Waiting for the process server to deliver the latest court filing against my husband, Dad of 2 girls ages 12 and 16 who live out of state with their mother. I’m hoping it’s a motion to emancipate them… did I just type that out loud? 😳
They're already out of the state, how much more separation from the kids is the ex pushing for?? 😱
I really hope whatever's coming down the pipeline means less drama for all of you. 🤞🏼
She wants no visits whatsoever. Anything she can do to stick it to my husband. She just wants to twist the knife already in his heart. Ugh!
Ugh I’m so sorry 💔😡
HCBM and her new wife (other SM) constantly work to alienate 13yo SD from her father and I all the time. At this point, at insistence of SD, we don't see her on our weekends anymore, and she gets dinner once a week with her dad if we're lucky. When we do see her for an hour or two, moms are constantly texting her so she's not really present, or are undermining us. Father's day example, they spent the day texting to ask if I was "speaking to her". Which I was and we were having fun, but she replies "not really" because it's safer not to let moms know she likes us. She needs support from outside the family, she needs time to have her own voice and spend time with both families - but moms refuse therapy and say she is "fine". "She's happy with us, seems like a you problem." It's infuriating and exhausting and SD is paying the ultimate price of all of us. How do I make peace with the fact that my SD will likely never really be in our lives in a meaningful way and will likely always have an unhealthy codependent relationship with her "moms" and not have much of one with her dad?
This is such an exhausting dynamic. We lived this too. But keep in mind that what you're living through right now is not going to be your relationship forever. Your SD might connect the dots very differently as she gets older.
I agree with Molly about not letting SD choose her own visitation schedule, but I know that's easier said than done when there's alienation. Could you try baby steps when she's with you, like at least asking her to put her phone away? I really encourage you to check out our deeper dive resources on alienation-- this workshop is a good place to start: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/p/parental-alienation-survival-strategies?r=3qbexg
Anyway there's no easy answer. Something that helped me was reminding myself that we didn't need my SD to agree with us that she was part of our family, and also that we didn't need her to be active and present for the rest of us to be a family.
Dad can insist on exercising his parenting time, and stop letting SD make that choice. He’s inadvertently giving the moms the power to manipulate SD, by overempowering SD to make decisions that shouldn’t yet be hers. SD will experience less pressure from the moms, when these decisions aren’t allowed to remain her hands. I know it’s tough, but if there’s a parenting plan / agreement in place, Dad needs to insist that it’s followed. Being flexible is only playing into the moms games. (IME & IMO!)
I don't disagree. But even the therapists agree that taking her to court (because it's what i would take at this point) would be ugly and probably worse for her in the long run. I don't know, but it's hard accepting that I can't control dad anymore than moms....letting go is hard for me.
I totally get it. Letting go is incredibly difficult. But remember too that it's also a process and baby steps count. Even if it's just taking a minute to deliberately turn your thoughts to a different topic when you catch yourself dwelling, all those little efforts add up over time.
PS We learned this lesson the hard way. But when the judge firmly told HCBM “That’s not SD’s decision to make, and you are responsible for giving her these specific consequences if she resists visitation,” magically, SD stopped resisting. And became much less anxious.
YES. It's not good for kids to be in charge of their own visitation schedule. Besides stressing them out, it also worsens any existing loyalty bind and gives them way too much power.
How do you support your partner through the painful emotional rollercoaster of alienation & subsequent reunification therapy, without losing your own ability to function? It often feels so hopeless and sad… and even when things are improving, it feels like you’ve been here before only to have it all go sideways again. (Partner is doing all the right things. It’s just a really tough situation and took years of court battles to get RT started. And the kid is almost 18 now, still deeply enmeshed with their BPD mother, so we feel the clock ticking down.) Appreciate any advice!
Oh man I totally feel this. The short answer is to take a mental step back a bit, similar to how you'd respond emotionally to your partner having work problems or family of origin problems. Basically you need to keep your own feet on solid ground to be able to stop him from drowning. I know that's a gross oversimplification, so here's a whole blog on this: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/blog/stepparent-mental-health-high-conflict
This workshop might also help: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/p/high-conflict-stepparenting-blending?r=3qbexg
And we also talk about this dynamic in our parental alienation workshop: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/p/parental-alienation-survival-strategies?r=3qbexg
Working so only a few minutes now to post… I would be interested to know the ways you /any step parent showed your step kids you love them in their teens. Background for us: HCBM had convinced SS (almost 14 yrs old) over 5+ years that DH is physically abusive and I SM am a child molester. We think he now knows none of that is true, but he is still compelled to defend his mom no matter what. None-the-less the damage was done from the constant and likely continued false allegations. From the age of 10 to present he will not allow either of us to hug or touch him. He is very introverted and can be shy. We think he knows Mom lies often but he has become weary to believe anyone now. We cook, make favorite meals, clean, do laundry, help with homework, make sure he gets the doctoring he needs, take him places, encourage him to have friends over and go places with friends, take him out to eat, to the movies and fun activities he likes, play cards and board games, attend his practices and games in our timeshare, praise him, encourage and support his dreams, tell him we love him, I give a wide gap for him to spend time with just his Dad, etc. But he is a young teen and we suspect he sees all that as something all his parents are expected to do, while HCBM is always twisting the time and things we do with him to be bad or she does it better. To me a hug or a hand on the shoulder or pat on the back conveys more: safety, I really love ya kid, you belong, we got you. So looking for other ways to convey those very important and special sentiments. Would love to hear everyone’s experiences/ ideas. It’s been breaking my heart for years; and maybe that is how it has to be.
This is so tough and we have dealt with a very similar dynamic. I’ve found it helps to give very specific compliments about what I like about the kids, character or positive behavior focused. In other words, I tell them when I can, that I see the goodness inside them.
“I think it’s super cool how you are so dedicated to your schoolwork.” or
“I really appreciate how you always remember to clean up after yourself and remind your sibling to, too.” or
“It’s great to see how much effort you put into improving at basketball.”
They are used to being fawned over by their mother for stuff they aren’t particularly good at, and criticized for perceived failings, so genuine, realistic compliments on things they can control… tends to really show them we truly care.
This is so heartbreaking. I agree with Molly's advice below, and also want to encourage you that you're doing soooo many things right. Don't discount the impact of everything you're doing right now! With alienation, it's really important to keep the long game in mind. Even if you don't see results right now, all those kind gestures are sinking in and will continue sinking in for years to come. As SS14 gets older, he'll hopefully be able to separate the lies from the reality. We have a PAS workshop that might be helpful also: https://www.blendedfamilyfrappe.com/parental-alienation-workshop
I also wonder if maybe setting up an appointment for you & your SO with a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse could be helpful. Their expertise could give some insight in non-physical ways to connect lovingly with your SS. (I know the abuse didn't actually occur but if he *thinks* it did, then the psychological response is likely going to be similar.)
YES! I try to be open with my husband and make sure he and I are aligned on any "secrets" we plan to have with SD. Even if she doesn't know he's in on it, if and when she does tattle, we make sure we are super aligned. We don't always agree, but it's helped tremendously to make sure we aren't blindsided by each other.
Yessss this is huge 👏🏼
This is so frustrating. Not sure if this applies exactly to your situation, but you might find some helpful stuff here: https://blendedfamilyfrappe.com/blog/lying-stepkid
I’ve had a read of your article and the feeling of being spied on does ring true. Your advice seems to be ignore it , keep being myself , which is trying my best to be a good step-mum , and ignore it and try not to react to any repercussions started by “tale telling”. I’ve reached a similar point where I’m happier just being with my bio children when I can relax and not be reported on or judged!
Yeah exactly! We can't control our SK but we also don't have to buy into the drama that their actions may stir up.