🫥 Can stepparents step back without disappearing?
Let’s dispel some common myths about disengaging from our stepkids. Starting with #1: disengaging is not a bad thing.
A couple weeks ago, a stepmom said to me "I feel like I barely have a role in my family as it is. I'm already an outsider. If I disengage, what's left??"
And man do I feel that all the way down in my soul.
As Dan's girlfriend, I didn't even know how to introduce myself at my stepdaughter's soccer games and piano recitals ("Hi, I'm SD's dad's girlfriend" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue). And I certainly wasn't capable of defining my role. I've got a kid already — I'll just treat Dan's kid the same way I treat my kid I guess! Sure, that oughta work just fine!
(It did not work out just fine.)
So if you're hesitant to disengage because you're worried that taking a step back is gonna send you careening backwards over a cliff's edge and off your family's island completely, I get it! And I also suspect this is a good time to reframe the way you view your contributions to your stepfamily.
Because what if helping your partner parent isn’t the best use of your time and energy? What if there were different ways you could show up in your stepfamily that had a more positive impact?
At its heart, that’s really the definition of disengaging: you are stepping back from what you thought stepparenting would be, and moving into acceptance of what your role truly is: a multi-faceted, complex support role that can look like many different things on any given day.
Parenting my stepkid did... not go well. The practical side of me (and the mothering side of me) stressed out endlessly over the things my stepkid’s mom and dad weren’t addressing. I felt like I HAD to step in and fill those parenting gaps where they were lacking, otherwise I was being an irresponsible stepmom and human.
I wish instead I’d focused on helping my stepdaughter feel loved and safe; instead of creating a supportive environment for her to land when she was with us, I created a place that felt like walking on eggshells. For all of us.
So if we’re not parenting, what could or should we stepparents be doing instead?
Redefining the Stepparenting Role
Becoming a stepparent is more complicated than any of us could've imagined! In this workshop, we'll look at the 5 main pressure points of stepfamily life and break each one down so you know exactly what next steps to take that'll help you feel less frazzled in the trenches. xo
Maybe managing household logistics, like booking your stepkid’s visitation flight while ticket prices are still low, or collecting relevant documentation before your partner’s next court date.
Or what about financial contributions? Unlike my attempts at parenting, the cash I kicked in toward my stepdaughter’s college fund did NOT trigger her loyalty bind! Supporting my stepkid in various financial ways let me make a difference behind the scenes.
Finally, don’t underestimate the positive impact you’re having on your stepkids’ lives simply by being present, acting normal, and low-key modeling what a healthy romantic partnership looks like as you lead by example.
You don’t need to actively parent your stepkids to make a difference; your everyday actions will still help shape the adults they grow into. So if you’re pressuring yourself to stepparent “better” — please don’t. Trust that simply being in their lives and being you is enough to enact positive change.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.
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I've been a stepmom now for over a dozen years. I've spent more than half that time researching disengaging and non-attachment and becoming a better mama and stepmama for it — and really, a happier human.
This downloadable ebook includes pretty much everything I've learned along the way in the hopes that my many miserable years can help shorten someone else's steep learning curve. Here's hoping that someone is you! xo