💅 Life after disengaging

How stepparenting looks several years later.

My now 20something stepkid just returned back home after visiting us for a long weekend.

I have zero “grab your popcorn” stories to share from our 4 days together. There were no meltdowns or tantrums. No one rejected the food I cooked or walked out of the room when I walked in. We had several in-depth conversations where I shared my opinion and she asked intelligent questions or replied with things like “Oh that’s true, I never thought of it like that!”

This is such a wonderfully, blessedly dull contrast compared to a decade ago, where I’d agonize for 24 solid hours before her arrival, spend a bunch of time hiding in the bedroom the entire week she was with us, then breathe a huge sigh of relief (coupled with massive guilt) when she headed back to her mom's.

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I just couldn't figure out how to feel positive about living with a kid who alternated between ignoring me and making faces at me behind my back when she thought I couldn't see.

And seeing that sentence typed out, I have so much compassion for my early stepmom self — because who the hell could figure out how to feel positive about that?? Why did I view my mixed feelings about stepparenting as some kind of personal failing, when any sane adult would have mixed feelings about a kid who treated them so poorly?

Stepparents can get so caught up in the complexity of trying to blend our families and navigating this completely alien landscape that we don't realize our inner stores have run dangerously low. We give and give and give, only to end up feeling attacked, blamed, or like we’re making everything worse. Then the next day we pull ourselves back up and try again because what other option do we have? We have to blend this family. We have to make this work.

And so the cycle continues: frustration-resentment-anger-guilt-futility... then taking a deep breath, and trying harder again tomorrow.

Disengaging can break that cycle.

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By disengaging, you're realigning your priorities to focus on self-care first. Defusing the intense emotions associated with stepparenting and grabbing your own oxygen mask so that you can be there 100% for yourself above everyone else in your blended family ecosystem. Only from that foundation can we give our partners the support they need, and support our stepkids (and our own kids!) how they need.

When you disengage, you're taking control over the only things you can control in your blended family: your own actions. Your own emotional responses.

You're no longer making contributions that make you feel resentful — not because you're pissed and you're going on strike, but because you're giving yourself the space you need to emotionally recharge from stepparenting, an exhausting job at best.

Disengaging isn’t ignoring your stepkids; it’s taking the pressure off them. They need space too. If they didn't — if they were ready for a relationship with you—they wouldn't treat you the way they're treating you.

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The idea of stepping back from parenting my stepdaughter seemed so opposite from my goal of turning me + my kid and Dan + his kid into a family. But the reality was, the way I was trying to build our family wasn't working.

I initially tried disengaging as a desperate, last-ditch effort when not a single other thing I’d tried had worked. Yet disengaging was what helped turn our family around. Along with the other main ingredient in blending: time. And there are no hacks for that except to keep going, keep growing, keep learning.

In the meantime, disengaging might be the missing element that helps you find stepparenting peace along the way. I know it did for me. And I believe every single stepparent out there deserves to feel at peace within your own family.

I really hope that you find that peace too.

🧡🧡

— Maarit.

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