6 stepparenting lessons I learned from Star Wars
May the Fourth be with you! And with us all.
Okay yes stepfamily life is very complex and we all need lots of support, blah blah blah. But you know what else we need? To lighten the heck up sometimes! So today here’s a bunch of stepparenting tips candy-coated in delicious Star Wars lore. Which is more metaphorical to steplife than one might think.
1. Use the Force!
If you’re someone like me who’s obsessed with the deep dive and feels like surely things’ll get better the more we educate ourselves, then you might be a wee bit challenged at winging it. Or listening to your intuition. Or both!
But in stepparenting — just as in destroying the Death Star — sometimes you gotta switch off your targeting computer, trust your gut, and take the shot.
If I could go back in time, I’d still read everything I could get my hands on about how to be a better stepparent… but I’d also make sure to listen to what my heart told me. Less logic, more stretching out with my feelings and letting the Force flow through me.
Plus, sometimes the facts are not your friend and it’s better not to know. 🙃 NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!
2. When your best-laid plans go sideways, pivot.
Look, jumping into the garbage chute is no one’s first choice of escape route. But hey, shit happens and sometimes the smelly option becomes your only option. It all worked out in the end, right?
And did Mando plan to get saddled with baby Grogu? No way! But now they’re the cutest clan of two you ever did see.
Virtually all of Star Wars is based on rolling with “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” misadventures. Each installment of the saga reminds us that a rocky start doesn’t necessarily mean a poor outcome, no matter how different the actual storyline is from what the characters (or the audience) originally envisioned.
So as you careen your way toward blended on your own stepfamily misadventures, stay flexible and keep an open mind. You never know what great plot twist could be waiting just around the corner, even if it’s not the exact script you would’ve preferred.
3. Everyone’s gotta find their own path.
Luke gets sooo mad when Han Solo’s like “Thanks for the sweet reward cash, see ya 👋🏼” instead of sticking around to help the Rebels attack the Death Star. But Leia’s just like 🤷🏻♀️ ”Han’s gotta follow his own path. No one can choose it for him.”
As always, Leia is spot on.
We can’t choose our partner’s path for them, no matter how much it pains us to watch them make terrible decisions over and over again. Nor can we always smooth our stepkids’ paths, much as we wish we could.
Every member of your stepfamily blends at their own speed, and they’re gonna make mistakes along the way. As will we! All we can do is continue making our own choices and staying true to our own path as we move forward.
When that path feels kinda dicey, remember that Han, after years of smuggling with no allegiance to anyone but himself (and maybe Chewie), did actually turn the Falcon around, fly himself into the heart of the battle, and cleared the field for Luke to deliver his one-in-a-million shot that toasted the Death Star. Similarly, your stepfam may yet surprise you!
4. Blasting your way through isn’t always the answer.
When you’ve got enemy fire flying at you from all directions, your natural instinct is to stand your ground and fight back. But sometimes it makes more sense to zip behind a big ol’ asteroid and hide yourself in a worm for a bit.
Feeling outgunned and outmanned doesn’t mean you’re doomed to lose; changing tactics is not the same as giving up. Oftentimes a change in strategy is more effective than grabbing a bigger blaster.
So hold firm on your boundaries. Leverage those court orders in your favor. The Rebels ultimately won because they were smarter, savvier, and more patient, not because they had more firepower.
5. There’s still good in there.
Darth Vader is one of the all-time movie villain greats. He’s ruthless, merciless, remorseless, and always several steps ahead of whoever stands against him. Again and again we watch horrified as Vader kills off our favorite heroes (and random background characters) in his role as the Emperor’s favorite henchman.
Yet Luke swears there’s still good in Vader. 🤨 Is he deluded? Or biased, since he recently found out they’re related? Mmm maybe… but he’s also not wrong.
Anakin Skywalker started life as a good-hearted kid before he was gradually and systematically corrupted by the Emperor. Much like a stepkid who becomes gradually and systematically twisted by parental alienation. But the real Anakin was in there along, just like my real stepkid was still in there someplace under all her coldness and rejection.
6. Rebellions are built on hope.
So much of Star Wars feels like yet another disastrous failure following a long string of disastrous failures. How the heck did such a disorganized, poorly funded gang of scrappy Rebels manage to bring down an entire Empire? What keeps them going??
Hope.
And that’s what’s gonna keep your stepfam moving forward, too.
I’ve come to view blending a family as an act of inspired defiance. The statistics are depressingly against us. The wide range of obstacles we have to overcome to successfully blend is staggering.
But we’re all here — every one of us — because we believe a happy ending is possible for these families of ours. We are secretly optimists, even if we might not realize it ourselves; we have hope that we’ll succeed, despite all the elements stacked against us.
014 | Silver linings (those exist, right??)
We talk about the negatives a lot (A LOT), but today Dan & I share some of the positives about stepfamily life. Yes, even in high conflict!
And on those days when hope feels as far, far away as a whole other galaxy, I recommend watching Empire of Dreams: a documentary about the making of Star Wars and how incredibly close this juggernaut of a cultural phenomenon came to failure. Several times over.
If George Lucas pulled his vision into being by the slimmest possible strand of hope, maybe we can too.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.