🤦🏻♀️ When our partners have no clue
You shouldn't have to figure out stepparenting alone... but how are you supposed to tell your *partner* that??
As many times as I told Dan I was struggling as a stepmom, he did nothing. He bit his lip, adopted a hurt-puppy-dog look, and proceeded to take no action of any kind.
Every. Damn. Time.
I found a book called Stepmotherhood that had a chapter specifically titled something like ‘for your husband to read.’ I handed him the book.
"PLEASE read this," I begged. "It explains EXACTLY what I'm going through and how you can help!" He obligingly took the book… then set it down on his bedside bookshelf to never open it again.
I brought it up a few times, thinking he forgot, then realized he was purposely not reading it. I got angry and yelled. I got sad and cried. The final time I asked was with zero hope, flat and exhausted: "Please. PLEASE would you PLEASE READ THIS."
He never even said no. He just… acted like the book didn't exist. Like our (my) problems didn't exist. Months later on a cleaning binge, I picked the thing up, dusted it off, removed the bookmark and put it away for good.
That was the day I realized that, while we shared a life and a home and a bank account and a bed, in this aspect of our relationship — the stepparenting aspect, the building-a-family aspect, the place where I needed the most help — I was completely on my own.
It was bad enough getting ignored by my stepdaughter, but at least her behavior made logical sense to me, even if I didn't enjoy it. She was a kid who didn’t want me around. She treated me poorly to show me that she didn’t want me around, and also because probably she hoped if she was awful enough to me, I would disappear. It’s not any kind of fun to live through but it makes sense. Kids are not rocket science.
But DAN ignoring his kid’s behavior toward me? And worse, never having my back? Never defending me to his daughter or to his ex? That about killed me. How could I keep respecting a man who didn't stand up for me, who didn't protect our family, who let his kid and his ex walk all over him?
019 | High conflict + trauma + our partners' PTSD
In this episode, Dan & I talk about the impact (aka PTSD) his high conflict ex had on our relationship and our family — trauma that we totally didn’t recognize as such at the time.
We expect our partners to have the answers. Take action. Support us. Be the bridge that carries us over to "blended" on the other side.
In reality, our partners are oftentimes just as lost as we are.
They're in denial. They're traumatized by their previous relationship. They want to make everyone happy and are in total denial that that goal isn't possible.
All of that.
But mostly, they just plain don't know what to do. Just like we don’t really know what to do. 🤷🏻♀️
I thought Dan would have more answers — he'd known his kid her entire life; he was with his ex for a decade or so. If anyone was an expert in their nonsense, it'd be him, right?
Nope.
Because while there’s (thankfully) an increasing number of books and websites and Instagram accounts out there for stepparents, there aren't many stepfamily resources for our partners.
This leads to 2 problems:
We then think, as stepparents, since all the support groups and workshops and coaching packages are aimed at us, it's up to us to figure out this mess. (A lot of our partners think it's all on us to figure out, too.)
Our partners, even if they are forward-thinking enough to want to proactively help us find our footing as stepparents, have nowhere to turn that can help them do that.
That’s exactly why Dan & I created this guide, which is for BOTH partners in a stepcouple to go through together:
How to Actually Blend: The Missing Instruction Manual for Stepcouples
Dan & I created this guide covering 9 critical basics to — and we mean this in the most loving way — help both you and your partner pull your heads out of your butts, get on the same page about your relationship and the kids, and blend your stepfamily with less friction and stress along the way. 🙌🏼
With love, from a stepcouple who's been exactly where you are. xo
Hacking your way through the stepfam life jungle can feel lonely, isolating, and exhausting. But you’re not alone — not exactly. Your partner is hacking their way through that same jungle a little ways away from you, and feeling just as alone. You’re both just so tangled in your own messes that you can't see each other.
The key to blending a family is for you and your partner to work together. Wield those machetes standing back to back, both of you as a team against the jungle rather than each of you thrashing around separately, lost and unproductive.
Carve out a space that’s big enough for the two of you to stand still together and rest a minute. Maybe hold hands. Remember what brought you here in the first place: your love for each other.
Here’s a related tiny pep talk:
A whole lotta love & patience & sharp machetes (and the right resources!) can help you reach the other side when the only way out is through.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.