For our stepfamily, holiday season drama started pretty much mid-October (with Dan & his ex arguing over Halloween) and lasted till mid-January (or whenever we managed to get both kids together long enough to celebrate our Christmas).
Thatâs roughly 3 months, or 25% of the entire year, we spent stuck in increased angst and elevated cortisol levels. Even without conflict between houses, those of us in blended families have plenty of good reasons to feel fried and frazzled over the holidays. đ±
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Remember, though: all this is temporary!
Holiday season can feel intense, exhausting⊠and hopefully also celebratory, although sometimes that extreme swing back and forth is unsettling in and of itself. So it can help to keep in mind that this is only one season of the year. You will get through this.
We really hope this mix of practical tips + gentle reminders can help with that. xo
1. Try not to get discouraged about when/ how/ whether you celebrate.
It really sucks watching your social feeds crammed full of happy families doing holiday things that you either already did or havenât done yet or canât do because of custody schedules.
Over time though, the days you gather to celebrate become your own little bubble and feel all the more magical because itâs your familyâs special holiday time â and yours alone.
The sooner you make peace with inventing your own holidays & traditions, the easier the holiday season gets. The day is just a day; itâs the memories that matter.
For example, our family often celebrated Christmas around New Yearâs Eve because thatâs when we had both kids. Other alternate dates you could celebrate: Winter Solstice, Boxing Day, St. Nicholas Day.... or look to local events you could plan celebrations around, such as the annual lighting of your cityâs Christmas lights, area choir concerts, etc.
Not gonna lie, it took me YEARS to accept this concept. So on a related note: give yourself permission to grieve somewhere in there too.
đ Itâs perfectly normal to mourn the loss of traditionally celebrated holidays. Go have yourself a good cry! Yet also have faith in the new traditions youâre building together with your partner. This will all get easier with time.
2. Keep your expectations realistic.
Your holiday season will feel a lot less overwhelming if youâre able to check your perfectionism at the door. There are sooo many unknown factors in blended family life, any one of which can send your best-laid plans spinning completely sideways.
đ Itâs wise to give yourself (& your partner & the kids/stepkids) plenty of space and grace during the holidays. Holidays in a stepfam can be complicated and carry lots of mixed emotions for everyone involved.
Last-minute schedule changes are as common in stepfamilies during the holidays as poor attitudes. Celebrations often take place amid less-than-ideal circumstances. Add that grief in there too and itâs typical for everyone to be a bit more on edge at this time of year.
3. Donât let comparison be the thief of joy.
The only way to âwinâ at the competition game is to refuse to play. Focus on the positive and donât compare your experience with others â including other stepfamilies. Do your own thing instead; the definition of whatâs considered ânormalâ is different for everyone.
Sometimes competition between houses intersects with gift-giving, and the presents themselves become a source of one-upmanship. Again, thereâs just no way to win at that game, so instead of trying to outspend the other parent (or feeling stressed that you canât), try looking for ways to make holiday gift-giving memorable instead.
What about a scavenger hunt rather than traditional presents? Or a family version of Secret Santa? You could even put a ridiculously low dollar limit on gifts so everyone ends up with awesome gag gifts.
In our family, we implemented a âtwo-presentâ rule. Two presents from everyone, to everyone, and one of them had to be something we made ourselves.
4. Create new traditions!
Traditions help glue our families together; we connect through shared memories. And although honoring previous traditions is important too, blended families really have to invent some of our own to throw into the mix.
đ Creating new traditions takes time and can feel really weird and awkward at first. Be patient! And remember that baby steps count. Traditions donât form overnight and will likely need to be built up with many small steps over the years.
Even the most hallowed traditions in your blended family can start out as something simple, like always grabbing ice cream when you pick the kids up on holiday transition day. Keep an eye out for opportunities and youâll find that your new traditions often invent themselves.
Itâs not the traditions themselves so much as the consistency behind them that helps cement them as holiday staples. So even if itâs only every other year, or even if you have to celebrate holidays on a different date than the rest of the world, just keep doing that thing over and over again and at some point it becomes a sacred event.
đ We have to keep in mind that our kids/stepkids canât miss what theyâve never experienced. The traditions theyâll grow up with are the ones we introduce them to.
A lot of our hangups over how we celebrate the holidays are rooted in our own expectations about what we think our kids/stepkids should experience at the holidays â a frame of reference thatâs typically based on our own childhood experiences.
Oftentimes weâre the ones who need to embrace flexibility at the holidays rather than the kids, who are far more adaptable than us adults.
If celebrating traditional holidays together isnât logistically possible, think outside the box. Maybe go big on a random holiday instead (like Valentineâs Day or Groundhog Day) so you have one special day of the year that truly feels all yours.
You can also invent a totally new holiday that reflects the unique culture of your blended family. Like Festivus or Chrismukkah. Super Solstice Celebration or Christmas in July.
One super simple recipe for any new traditions is to match [activity] with [food item]:
Make gingerbread houses together⊠then eat them as you decorate the tree.
Collect happy memories in a jar throughout the year, then read them aloud during your New Yearâs Eve dinner.
Go sledding and come home to hot cocoa and a holiday-themed movie marathon.
In all the excitement of inventing these new holiday traditions, just make sure to pace yourself along the way. The kids (and maybe even your partner) may be resistant to change initially, including resisting incorporating traditions from your side of the family.
5. Adapt old traditions.
Sometimes the easiest way forward is to start new traditions alongside previous traditions. Or start new traditions that incorporate elements of traditional holidays â like inviting friends and extended family to celebrate your non-traditional holiday with you.
Even tiny tweaks can make existing traditions work better for the realities of stepfamily life. Like sure, go ahead and give those matching holiday-themed socks or jammies to the whole family⊠but hand them out at Thanksgiving if thatâs the holiday you have together that year.
You can also celebrate traditional holidays while giving them your own special flair, like Pastagiving (pasta night instead of turkey day) or Kidsgiving (each kid picks the food item they want and you assemble an eclectic buffet). Serving something totally different from the holiday norm can really help make the celebration your own.
6. Go slowly and look for common ground.
Expect some discomfort and even some pushback along the way as you try to combine two households. Different family cultures are ALWAYS a challenge to bring together, whether first or blended. And boy do those differences get heightened at the holidays.
Donât assume whatâs obvious to you is obvious to your blended family. If you and your partner come from different cultures or religions, plan on needing to translate your reality to them.
Even if you come from the same culture and/or religion as your partner and stepkids, we all celebrate holidays a little bit differently. Have open and honest conversations about your traditions and what matters to you during these important times of the year.
đ Share what you value about your background. You shouldnât feel like you have to hide your personal traditions away to fit in with your blended family. Thatâs your heritage, and itâs part of the deal⊠just like your partnerâs kids are part of the deal.
Explain to your partner and stepkids which celebrations are important to you and why. Make your partner and your stepkids part of your story. We are the ambassadors of our heritage and traditions.
Be persistent but low-key, introduce new ideas gently, and keep reminding your partner that blending a family doesnât mean you just sitting on the sidelines while they keep doing things the way theyâve always done them.
7. Donât invite any ex-related drama to the party.
If youâre dealing with a high-conflict co-parent who historically doesnât keep their word, cancels plans at the last minute, or refuses to reciprocate favors, the holiday season isnât gonna change any of that. In other words, donât expect the holidays to change the ex.
đ If youâre dealing with an ex who has a history of sabotaging your plans, keep your celebration prep secret. (Yep, even from the kids.)
Itâs so common for conflict to ramp up at the holidays, so know this going into holiday season and be prepared. (And again, by âholiday seasonâ I mean about 3 solid months toward the end of the year.) Keep those boundaries in place!
One built-in boundary you have is the official custody paperwork outlining the holiday schedule. Sticking to whatever the paperwork says can minimize resentment-inducing and/or non-reciprocal day trades.
Following the court order also lets you & your partner breathe easier, relax into some predictability, and enjoy the moment without worrying about when the next shoeâs gonna drop.
That said, sometimes we do need to make exceptions because itâs the right thing to do. Even when we know the ex is never gonna return that favor.
Thereâs no guarantee the ex wonât act difficult during the holidays; however, you can decline to participate in their drama. Focus on simply enjoying whatever moments you have with the kids, whenever you have them, and for however long.
8. Celebrate even if your stepkids canât celebrate with you.
We canât put our lives (or our holiday celebrations) on hold just because our stepkids canât be there in person with us. Youâre still allowed to enjoy the moment, and so are any other kids in the household. Reminder: your stepkids arenât being âleft outâ â theyâre busy celebrating with their other parent.
Because life in a stepfamily is complicated, you might not be able to include all the kids in all your traditions every year. But! You can make sure to have at least one tradition that does involve all the kids â one thing you only do once everyoneâs finally together. This can help signal the kickoff (or finale) of your familyâs holiday celebration while doubling as a family bonding activity.
đ Keep in mind that your partner might be carrying a lot of grief if your stepkids canât be with you over the holidays. And also, that grief may come out in unexpected ways. They might need some extra love and support this time of year.
This makes it even more important to celebrate the holidays with your partner anyway, even if none of the kids are there. Embrace the 1-on-1 time! Both of you will benefit from something special to plan and look forward to⊠and to distract you from feeling bummed, if needed.
9. Plan for some holiday self-care.
Reading a whole guide like this can feel overwhelming, like greaaat now I have a million more things to keep in mind as weâre turning the corner into stressful holiday season.
So Iâd like to wrap all this advice up with a reminder that putting your own oxygen mask on first is an absolute must during the holidays.
Double down on your existing de-stressing practices, and schedule extra downtime as needed. (I personally like to make peppermint cocoa and watch Christmas movies while wrapping presents all by myself.)
If trying to make the holidays a happy occasion has left you feeling resentful or frustrated, give yourself permission to instead celebrate in the way that YOU choose. Like... leaving town to visit your own family, or planning a solo vacay somewhere tropical. Or heck, just giving yourself the gift of binge-watching that new Netflix series uninterrupted!
Finally, as we close out one year and begin looking ahead toward the next, we can find ourselves dwelling too heavily on our shortcomings and mistakes and wish-we-wouldâve-dones from the previous 12 months. None of which helps lower holiday stress.
So this year, I encourage you to instead try looking back at the bright spots from the year thatâs ending. What were your wins? What did you absolutely crush this year? Even the darkest years have some positives sprinkled in there someplace; donât lose sight of them for the darkness.
Failing that, letâs at the very least take a deep breath, give the past a rest, and give ourselves a clean slate as we round the final corner into a brand new year.
đ§Ąđ§Ą
â Maarit.
