💁🏻♀️ My take on “don’t take it personally”
Because how TF are stepparents supposed to *not* take it personally when our stepkids reject us??
The most infuriating stepparenting advice I heard/read over and over again was “Oh just don’t take it personally! It’s not you; it’s the role. Your stepkid would treat anyone in your position the same way.”
And every single time I thought “Uh huh okay sure but HOW TF DO I NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.” Because it is obviously and intensely personal when my SD refuses to sing happy birthday to me. Or won’t give me the same common courtesies she’s expected to give any other adult in her life. And the fact that my stepdaughter’s rejection was specific to me, personally, was driven home even more so when I’d ask Dan if he’d had these kinds of issues with his girlfriend before me.
“Oh no!” he’d say. “She and SD always got along really well.”
Cool. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool. 🤦🏻♀️
So I’m going to tell you what I wish someone would’ve told me instead of “don’t take it so personally.”
It’s actually okay to take your stepkid’s rejection of you personally. Because let’s be honest: on some level, it is personal. And it feels personal. And there’s really no way to make it not feel personal.
It’s actually okay to admit that a cute lil 4-year-old kid has wounded you to your very core. Or that your tween stepkid hurts you in ways you never thought were possible. Or that your teenage stepkid breaks your heart wide open in a way no one else ever has.
All of this is normal, in fact. Sucky and soul-crushing and awful... but normal.
It’s normal for your stepkids to reject you, and it’s normal for that to feel really shitty.
That’s the advice I’d give instead. Because knowing that would’ve really helped me back at the beginning of this journey — mainly by helping me realize that the problem wasn’t me. I wasn’t failing at stepparenting; it’s just really friggin hard.
The stepparents who waltz into this role with nary a transitional hitch and an end result that looks like The Brady Bunch are in the extreme minority. (And no way are any of those stepparents dealing with high conflict, btw.)
The gap between taking-it-personally and not-taking-it-personally is so massive you can’t even see the other side from where you’re standing right now. You’re probably doubting whether the other side even exists.
And that’s okay too. You don’t have to make that impossible leap all in one go. You can start with baby steps. You can start by just taking a break, taking a walk, reminding yourself that this role does not define you.
Also: remind yourself that all members of your stepfamily are drowning in powerful emotions right now. None of you has ever done this before and you’re all flying blind. There’s bound to be some tense moments and hurt feelings along the way.
All of this is normal. Normal... and also temporary.
So go ahead and take that shit personally. Just don’t hang out there too long before you take a big breath in, and another huge exhale. You’re in the messy middle of building a stepfamily: a process that takes literally years.
Over time, that sharp, taking-it-personally pain lessens and also gets easier to carry. Your stepkids mature and come around. Or maybe they don’t, but their behavior stops bothering you quite so much.
The kids change. Our partners change. And we change too — into people who eventually figure out the role that feels so uncomfortable right now.
You’ve got time. And you’ve got this.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.