😴 It's okay to take a break

I promise your family will not fall apart if you take a day or two off.

I’ve been spending too much time at my computer lately, a surefire recipe for a bunch of neck & shoulder pain. I’m trying to get better about not pushing my body through physical pain and instead making time to rest.

So I attempted that. I put on comfy pants, slathered my shoulder up with tiger balm, and started S3 of The Bear.

The entire time I sat there all grouchy, thinking, "This really isn't helping anything. My neck still hurts like hell. I'm going to be so pissed at myself tomorrow that I took today off. There's no way sitting around all day is going to leave me feeling good in any way tomorrow. No. Way."

And yet the next morning, I indeed woke up to less pain. Yoga stretches that did nothing the day before actually helped this time. By noon my shoulder felt completely normal again. And all day long, my brain buzzed with new ideas, as lit up and inspired as if I'd spent the previous day at some mastermind retreat instead of mindlessly staring at the TV.

Pain combined with grouchy futility and the feeling of hiding from the world reminded me a lot of my darkest stepmom years — so many evenings where I shut myself into our bedroom right after dinner and stayed there pretty much till the kids went to bed. The "family" outings I skipped and sent Dan on by himself with the kids. The school functions I didn't attend. The life I largely checked out of.

At the time, I felt guilty. Also lonely, but mostly guilty. I told myself it was easier this way — SD didn't want me around. I was the reason she didn't want to come to our house and I couldn't live with the idea that I might cost Dan his only daughter. So I did my best to erase myself from her life.

This is best for everyone, I'd tell myself in an attempt to keep the guilt at bay. Everyone is happier this way. And that was probably what I felt guiltiest about: that I was actually happier hiding. Happier not spending a whole lotta time with the people who were supposed to be my family.

At the time, just like my binge-watching day, I couldn't see how taking a break could possibly make things better in the long run. Hiding felt more like a dead end: our blended family, minus me. What was the point??

This was back when I thought "disengaging" actually meant "don't interact with your stepkid." I was doing my very best to comply.

What I didn't understand was that disengaging really means pause.

Regroup. Step back. Breathe.

Our mind tells us we should feel guilty for not pushing forward, but our intuition knows what's best for us. Those instincts that tell you to try stepping back from your stepkid are spot on. The still, small voice deep inside you is whispering that you need a break.

Instead of ignoring that whisper, what if you listened?

What if you listened and you decompressed for a couple minutes or a couple hours or a couple days? What if you came back recharged and found yourself ready to try try try again? What if you were kind and non-judgmental to yourself, reminded yourself that stepparenting is a damn hard gig and it's okay to take the day off now and then?

Stepparenting drains us, but you can't refuel a moving vehicle. First, you need to pull over.

So pause. Pause purposefully; pause with deliberate intention.

Pausing is part of the natural order of things. After the leaves fall each autumn, winter branches sit black and naked, waiting for spring. Caterpillars build cocoons and wait for their next life. And after a quiet season, branches explode again with new growth and butterflies emerge completely transformed.

It’s only humans who insist that we can’t rest — shouldn’t rest. Must not take breaks. Must push through at all costs.

Maybe Mother Nature is onto something with this pausing thing though.

So this week, try pausing. Just try, even if you suck at it like I do. Give yourself permission to pause. And remember that by pausing, you're also giving yourself permission to grow. To transform.

Over time, as you get better about pulling over and topping off your tank, you'll find you need fewer pauses. You'll find you enjoy the journey a little bit more. This is the gift that comes from disengaging.

And really, what's the point if we can't enjoy our own journey?

🧡🧡

— Maarit.