😖 Emotional labor & the last straw

Sometimes enough is enough. And maybe that's a good thing.

Emotional labor in stepparenting often looks like seeing — sometimes with painful clarity — exactly what needs to be done so our dang families will blend already… and then trying to do every one of those things ourselves even if it kills us.

An unequal division of emotional labor is (unfortunately) common to many relationships, leading to arguments like "Whaaaat?! You're burned out and resentful?? You should've just asked for help!"

Only for stepparents, there's the fun added layer of getting scapegoated for our hard work.

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We're told we're the only ones who see a problem — or maybe we're told we are the problem. We shouldn’t be so hard on our stepkids. We shouldn’t get so paranoid about the ex. We shouldn't take things so personally. Why can't we just calm down already, sheesh!

Being told there's no problem when there actually is a problem is the definition of gaslighting. You start doubting your own sanity: Is there even an issue here? Am I overreacting?

Back in our early blending years, I let Dan talk me back into denial an embarrassing number of times. Despite the most in-our-faces evidence that shit was not at all okay his ex or with his parenting, I actually believed him when he was like “Oh, this’ll pass. This is temporary. Things’ll calm down. It’ll get better. Maybe you just need to try harder. Maybe you’re just projecting.”

It’s amazing how well and how long we can talk ourselves out of believing our own intuition: what we know, in our heart of hearts, to be true.

Until one day there’s that last straw. That last straw that makes your brain and heart join forces, sit straight up and say “NOPE!” A moment that changes everything, even though you were able to justify or excuse or deny every single one of the countless other similar moments leading up to that last straw.

For me, my last straw moment was the day I read the Disengaging Essay. It was like someone turned a giant fact-checking spotlight on the stories I’d been telling myself for years and lit up all the lies I’d tried to convince myself were truth.

People talk about the last straw like it should be avoided at all costs. I disagree; me reading the Disengaging Essay, having that aha moment, and deciding enough was enough marked a turning point for the profoundly better in our blended family.

The last straw snapping can be a good thing. It’s a sign that we’re finally willing to question our own beliefs, and that’s the first step toward positive change. Before we can build a new world, we have to accept that the old one isn’t what we thought.

So break those last straws, folks. Break them, and break them cleanly and committedly, and let’s all stampede toward a better future.

🧡🧡

— Maarit.

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