🤔 Don’t stepparents get an opinion?
Sure you do... but what you *actually* want is to feel fucking heard already.
So many stepparents tell me horror stories that end with "... but shouldn't I get a say in this? Aren't I allowed to have an opinion??"
Sure you're allowed. Absolutely. You have every right to call your stepkids out on their shitty behavior or throw down with your partner over their lack of parenting. If you're looking for permission, I hereby grant you that permission.
That's not the problem though, right? Because if we're being honest with ourselves, it's not just that we want to speak our minds. What we actually want is for our partners to admit that we have a point, then thank us for our efforts and insights: "You know, you're right. I do need to parent my kids. What have I been thinking all this time??"
Stepparents don't want to just have opinions. We want those opinions to be valued instead of dismissed; we want our voices considered rather than ignored. We want to feel like we're part of a team — a team that's working together for everyone's lives to improve.
Did I want my stepdaughter to chew with her mouth closed? Did I ever! But what I really wanted was to ask her, in a normal and reasonable tone, to please chew with her mouth closed... and then not get the silent treatment as punishment.
I wanted to be granted the same rights and privileges as a teacher or coach or babysitter or any other adult in my SD's life: carte blanche to calmly correct her behavior without launching WWIII. And I also wanted it understood (and heck, maybe even acknowledged!) that the reason I corrected her behavior was not because I was some raging bitch, but because I gave a crap about her. Just like any other loving adult in her life.
Yet when it's a stepparent offering those loving corrections, it's not long before someone accuses us of coming down too hard. Like we’re nagging or being mean or some other frustrating complaint that's all the more insulting because we wouldn't say any of this, do any of this, or put up with any of this if we didn't care. It’s literally BECAUSE we care. 🤦🏻♀️ Why doesn't anyone see that??
So it’s not that we're not allowed to have opinions as stepparents… not exactly. It's that voicing those opinions becomes exhausting.
At every crossroads, I had to make a decision: do I speak up and risk yet another argument? Or do I bite my tongue and add to my silent resentment?
024 | Let’s talk about resentment
On this week's episode, Dan & I talk about the R word... RESENTMENT: why feeling resentful is so common (for everyone in a stepfamily), plus some tips for defusing and moving past it.
If I took over parenting duties myself, then shit would get H A N D L E D. But also, everyone would hate me. And if everyone hated me, how would that bringing us closer to feeling like a real family?
A champion bear-poker and boat-rocker my entire life up till meeting Dan, somehow practically overnight, I became terrified to poke the bear or rock the boat. Like... ever. But then frustration would build up so bad that I had to say something. Speaking up seemed to do more harm than good, though, and I'd regret it. I’d vow to do better next time. Be a better soldier, stay silent and supportive and — above all! — stay in my lane.
Knowing what I know now, I wish I'd spoken up more.
I wish I'd poked more bears and rocked more boats and not stayed in my lane. I especially wish I’d spoken up when my stepdaughter’s behavior was directly hurtful or disrespectful toward me or my daughter. All those times my SD walked into the house without saying hello, or left without saying goodbye — Dan didn’t correct her, and I just stood there and took it like a friggin doormat.
I thought I was keeping the peace. All I was really doing was reinforcing to my stepdaughter how very little I mattered.
Me failing to advocate for my own needs and the needs of my own kid drastically and negatively impacted the foundation of the family we were trying to build.
I wish I'd worried less about being the bad guy and worried more about what was gonna happen if I didn't step up and deliver the hard message — because lord knows no one else was speaking truth back then, and truth needed to be heard.
My truth needed to be heard. My voice.
Fighting for fairness and consistency, pointing out hypocrisy and double standards — no one’s gonna thank a stepparent for these things, but our ability to shine the light of day on those problems is one of the gifts we bring to our stepfamilies.
I know it doesn’t feel that way, especially on days when you’re sick of being the bad guy all the dang time. So on those days, disengage. On those days, pick your battles.
But also: never doubt that you have the right to speak up for yourself and make yourself heard.
🧡🧡
— Maarit.