4 transition day tips for the holidays
Because holy cow those holiday visitation schedules can really wreck you.
Adapted from 5 TRANSITION DAY TIPS FOR STEPPARENTS, originally published on blendedfamilyfrappe.com
It irritates me to no end that a bunch of the so-called "advice" that's aimed at stepparents over the holidays is really just one big fat guilt grip in disguise. Like if you're dreading the holiday visitation schedule and particularly transition day (which many of us do, and which is super duper normal), responses jump straight to "But think how much harder it is on your STEPKIDS though!!"
Ummm... we know? I mean I don't think anyone's mystified about why visitation transition is tough. Transition times are challenging because our stepkids are acting out; our stepkids act out because they're struggling as they switch houses and lives. Obviously transition day is hard on stepkids.
Know who else transition days are hard on? EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY. (Just like everything else about stepfamily life, I might add.)
Yet the vast majority of guilt-trips-disguised-as-advice is to make everything about supporting the kids, and only the kids. As if thinking of our own needs at such a time is unforgivably selfish.
I used to think that.
I used to think that I needed to shove my own anxiety down around transition day and pull out all the stops to make my stepkid feel welcome instead. I used to think my spiking stress levels were a shameful secret I had to hide, even from myself: Better just ignore that still small voice telling me to back off and take it easy. That voice doesn't know what it's talking about.
I didn't know then what I know now: that the absolute best way to support our stepkids, our partners, and really our entire families is by first supporting ourselves. Put our own oxygen masks on first, just like those wise flight attendants always tell us.
So please, stepparents: make sure you're giving yourself the lovingkindness that you need on transition day — and then, from your full cup, you will find it ever so much easier to pour.
Here are some holiday visitation time transition day tips to get you started.
1. Chill out
Don't feel like you need to greet your stepkids with a red carpet and a minute-by-minute itinerary to prove you’re glad to see them. Honestly many stepkids would probably find that off-putting when they're feeling the exact same mixed feelings that you yourself feel as a stepparent: they want to be there, and at the same time not. They want to be a part of your family, and also don't. All of which is totally normal.
2. Give everyone some space
Knowing that transition day can be emotional for everyone in the household, it's a good idea to give yourself and everyone else some extra space at switchover time. There's no reason you can't greet your stepkid with a warm welcome, then quietly disappear for a few hours while they're getting readjusted. This also gives your stepkid 1-on-1 time to reconnect with their parent without you around. Or even just enjoy some solo time on their own to decompress if that’s what they want.
3. Add some new traditions
Inventing new holiday traditions is important for every stepfamily, and transition day can be an opportunity to jump start those. Again, I'm not saying to go overboard with the stepkid welcoming committee, which can be overwhelming (for them and for you). But even something low-key, like watching a favorite holiday movie together over pancakes that first morning, gives you and your stepkids an anchor that helps everyone feel a bit more grounded.
4. Maintain boundaries
So many high-conflict exes seem to turn the crazy up to 11 around the holidays. Simultaneously, so many of our partners seem to bend over backwards even further this time of year…. which is a terrible combo. So stick to your own boundaries like a mofo. Put your personal support strategies in place ahead of time. Plan some activities to keep your mind occupied and your feelings settled — something to focus on and distract yourself, and that you can do with or without the kids.
Finally, keep in mind that both the holiday celebrations themselves and the transition into those celebrations can look very different from one blended family to the next. What works for you might not work for another stepparent or another stepfamily — and that's totally okay!
As with everything else in a blended family, don't get stuck on how you think you "should" be doing things. Instead, pay attention to what's really working with your family dynamics, and do more of that.
Most importantly, remember that even if this year’s holiday plans go completely sideways compared to what you’d hoped for, that does not mean you’ll never feel like a family. Remind yourself as often as needed that however you end up celebrating is valid, even if those celebrations look nothing like what you had in your head. The process of blending takes several years, and those years will include highs and lows and everything in between. You’re in the messy middle right now for sure, but I promise you’re not gonna feel like this forever.